The King’s Speech on Round 2

by Jeff Horowitz, NBA Wunderkind

 

EASTERN CONFERENCE SEMI-FINALS

Bulls-Hawks: Hawks 1-0

The Hawks upset the heavily favored Bulls in Game 1 at the United Center, and it might have had something to do with Derrick Rose missing too many shots. Sure D-Rose finished with 24 points and 10 assists, but it’s probably not ideal for your POINT GUARD to take 27 shot attempts – when Boozer, Deng and Noah only took 30 shots – COMBINED.

Craig Sager resorts to the oldest trick in the book for getting a black guy to talk: bring a white chick .

Joe Johnson played like the 2008 version of himself, and broke out a vintage, pre-Max Contract performance, scoring 34 points – 10 in the decisive 4th quarter alone. After the game Johnson said, “As long as we’ve got each other’s backs in the locker room, we don’t care about the criticism.” Johnson then added, “As long as we’ve all got our gats on the streets of the A-T-L, we don’t care about them dirty south hoodrats.” Ok, he didn’t say that last part, but he should’ve.

“The Miami HEAT!! The Atlanta Hawks!! It’s The Eastern Conference Finals, on TNT!!!” Could you imagine? I can.

 

Heat-Celtics : Heat up 1-0
Who would you rather have as a donor for an emergency blood transfusion: Celtics guard Deltone West, Lakers forward Matt Barnes, or Magic Johnson – you definitely go with Magic right? Delonte West is a straight up mutant, and Barnes has way too much ink for me to think he’s Hep-C free. Amazingly, Magic Johnson is the winner in this group. I wonder if the Celtics team manager washes Delonte’s dirty uniform in a separate batch from the rest of the team. There is no chance Delonte “wrapped it up” on South Beach the past 48 hours since they lost Game 1.  How many Patron shots do you think Delonte dropped during his dinner date with Lebron’s mom at Prime 112?

Delonte turns himself in to CDC officials

In Sunday’s game – the Miami HEAT protected their home court with a 99-90 win, proving to Boston that the road to the Finals goes through Miami. D Wade was phenomenal, lighting up the Celtics for 38 points, and James Jones came off the bench to score 25, a playoff career-high.  In his post-game press conference, LeBron, who scored 22 in the game, wore a Liverpool soccer polo, then seemed frustrated when members of the foreign press asked him Liverpool soccer questions.

Someone has to tell LeBronze the only thing Americans hate more than "The Decision" is Soccer

Coach Spo after the game:  “Now we have to try to get amnesia as quickly as possible and try to figure out how we can play better.” Three words: The Winner Within. Keep it up Mini-Riles… I think it’s working!!

 

WESTERN CONFERENCE SEMI-FINALS

Dallas-Lakers : Mavs up 1-0
Dallas came back from a 9 point halftime deficit to beat the Lakers in Game 1 at Staples Center. Kobe Bryant had a Kobe-esque stat line with 36 points and 0 assists. Dirk Nowitzki was so pumped about the win, he jumped right onto the team bus, without taking a shower. Dirk has now not showered after 652 straight games.

Chandler finds out the hard way that not everyone is an Old Spice guy

While watching the game, I could not get over how similar Lakers forward, (and All-NBA-Thug 1st Teamer) Matt Barnes looks to HEAT swingman Mike Miller. The two look like brothers separated at birth, with Barnes growing up in foster care and spending multiple years in ‘Juvey’.

Another reason I call this an UGLY series: Mavericks center, Tyson Chandler. I’m a huge fan, but I don’t want to run into this Beast in an alley. He always looks mad, he’s 6’11 and JACKED, and always has the tightest “low-blend” fade (haircut, not jumpshot) in the league. Pau Gasol appears extremely intimidated by  “I could kill Mike” Tyson Chandler, and obviously hates guarding him.

Speaking of the Gasol Family – I just found out Memphis Grizz’ center, and Pau’s brother, Marc, was nicknamed “The Big Burrito” back in high school. That interesting factoid left me wondering:  what was Pau’s nickname – ‘The Hairy Taco’, or the ‘Ugly Enchilada’ ?

"Look spaghetti arms. This is my dance space, that is your dance space."

During halftime, Charles Barkley was basically comparing Ron Artest to a rabid dog. Barkley said the only way to play Artest (if he’s guarding you all night) is to just give him one hard elbow, straight to his throat, and he’ll calm down. It’s just like how you’re supposed to punch a shark in its nose if you’re being attacked in the ocean. Everybody has to know this – while the shark is chewing your arm off, use your other arm, and punch the shark in the nose! Sure, I can only type with one hand now, but IT WORKS!!

 

Thunder-Grizzlies : Grizz up 1-0

Has anyone else noticed that Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook DO NOT like each other anymore? During the Thunder-Nuggets series, Westbrook pulled an Allen Iverson and started jacking up shots from anywhere he wanted, on multiple possessions. The Thunder lost that game, and Durant wanted to kill his point guard afterwards. For the third game in a row, Westbrook, took more shots than their star player, so it’s no surprise the Grizzlies took Game 1.

"It ain't my bad, you're the one who keeps passing me the ball!"

The Grizzlies are playing inspired basketball right now. They knocked off the West’s #1 seed, San Antonio Spurs, and then they get a tough road win 36 hours later. Marc ‘Big Burrito’ Gasol put up ‘Ugly Enchilada’ numbers with a 20 point, 13 rebound effort in OKC.

Who could have thought that two “non-character” guys like Zach Randolph and O.J. Yayo would be leaders on a legit playoff team? A few years ago, I seriously thought Zach Randolph would be 370lbs and have eaten himself out of the league by now. Instead Randolph is the most unstoppable player in the playoffs. O.J. Mayo is so productive in his 6th man role – now I really wish the HEAT drafted him instead of Beasley. I remember how scared I was in the Summer of ’08, thinking the HEAT would actually draft Mayo ahead of ‘Supercool Beas’. Too bad we didn’t.

(In other Beasley news: Mike has been back in Miami for the past 2 weeks getting new ink and setting up his 7th Twitter account.)

This match-up is a fun one for the true NBA fan, with lots of high-caliber athletes on the floor.

This series has Game 7 written all over it.

"I LOVE this game. So long as neither of these two teams make the Finals."

One Comment

  1. Great stuff man!! Love the balance of stats mixed with a comedic value. I’ll definitely recommend you to my friends.