Crap you should read Tuesday (5/3)

Stealing Osama’s Intelligence

“Can you imagine what’s on Osama bin Laden’s hard drive?”

Government officials teased that line after Sunday’s raid coughed up a “mother lode of intelligence” in thumb drives, personal computers and electronic equipment. Analysts will have a field day with this Intel, and hopefully it will be a huge kick in the nuts to Al Qaeda and their financial backers.

I can’t help but wonder if part of the reason we went at this alone was to be the sole owners of the treasure troves of shit we’d find hidden under Osama’s mattress next to his bootleg copy of season 2 of It’s Always Sunny is Abbottobad. Intel is currency, and this is the terrorist treasure of Monte Cristo. Do you realize the vengeance that will be handed out to the names listed in Bin Laden’s black book?

Personally, I can’t wait to see the chicks he’s Friends with on HamasSpace.

Bin Laden raid gets mother lode of intelligence — Politico

Hillary freaks once she realizes she may have started Osama in Fantasy Terrorism this week

Twitter first to report Bin Laden’s Death

If you were glued to your TV like me  Sunday night, you know Twitter really broke the story to the public. As news networks fumbled over their words to avoid upsetting the Obama administration, Obama still had to take time to call high-ranking officials. Unfortunately for the surprise-makers, congressional staffers Tweeted the news to the world.  Around midnight Sunday night, over 4000 tweets a minute mentioned UBL’s name.

If that wasn’t enough of a coup for social networking, a computer programmer in Abbottabad unknowingly tweeted a live account of the raid. His first liveblog tweet was “Helicopter hovering above Abbbottabad at 1am (is a rare event).” Without knowing the true purpose of the incursion, Sohaib Athar continued to share the rumors he was hearing around town, and he’s the reason the public knows that one of the helicopters crashed.

The big picture finally revealed itself to the live-blogger: “I think the helicopter crash in Abbottabad, Pakistan and President Obama breaking news address are connected.”

35 tweets in, he finally concluded his broadcast: “Osama Bin Laden killed in Abbottabad, Pakistan. There goes the neighborhood.”

Talk about the future of journalism. WTF was Ashton Kucher on this one?

Man unknowingly tweets real-time account of Operation to take out Bin Laden — USA TODAY

"So if we do this tomorrow we get a bigger audience, but if we go now, we interrupt Celebrity Apprentice? Get your coat."

Bin Laden’s Body

US officials chose to bury Bin Laden at sea, which has prompted all sorts of conspiracy theories. Why was the bearded devil dropped into the Indian Ocean before we had a chance to see “the proof”? Reports have the US actually offering Bin Laden’s body to Saudi Arabia, but they declined to take him, probably out of fear his body would spontaneously burst into flames. That means we got stuck with him.

The US claims they took Islamic customs seriously as not wanting to ignite even more fury in the Muslim world. Islamic tradition requires burial within 24 hours of death, so UBL was washed, wrapped in a cloth, and dropped overboard to rot with Megatron and Dexter’s victims.

In my opinion, there was zero chance his body was going to be inspected by the world. There was no chance US officials were going to let Al Jazeera CSI on the case to determine if the injuries match up with their story. No Body means nobody knows what happened, so we can frame the event however we want.

All that matters is that the dude is dead. Let Oliver Stone decide how to direct the movie later.

"I'll never tellllllll"

Pakistan admits the obvious

Pakistan officials finally admitted to having nothing to do with the operation to kill Bin Laden. This is obviously in contrast to earlier insistance that they were a party to the raid. They’ve settled for implying that years of cooperation caught Bin Laden. Wait they didn’t imply it, Pakistan’s president said it.

“Although the events of Sunday were not a joint operation, a decade of cooperation and partnership between the United States and Pakistan led up to the elimination of Osama bin Laden as a continuing threat to the civilized world.”

In reality, the only thing Pakistan did to aid the raid was suck at their defense and be oblivious to the 4 helicopters coasting through their airspace.

What Pakistan didn’t do is anything to dispel rumors that they knew Osama was within their borders. This is of course after years of telling the US about sites in Afghanistan to  bomb to catch the Al Qaeda figurehead.

Interestingly, CIA director Leon Panetta says Pakistan was expicitly not made aware of the plans because we feared they would warn Bin Laden before we had a chance to act. Are you friggin’ kidding me? We’ve been paying Pakistan $1 billion a year to underwrite specific missions to FIND Bin Laden!

Amazing. We write these $1billion checks to our “allies in the fight against terrorism”, but does anybody check IDs anymore to make sure thats who they still are? Aren’t these the guys who sold plans to the nuclear bomb to terrorists?

Pakistan admits to having nothing to do with Osama raid — Reuters

"Does he know? Shit, did this crazy bitch check my phone?"

Special Ops Super Bowl

Special Ops are stealing the show this week as the force that took out UBL.

Joint Special Operations Command (JSOC) forces are pretty much the All-Star team of the military: Army’s Delta Force, Navy Seals, Air Force Special Tactics (and from time to time Army Rangers and Night Walkers of the 160th Airborne) are all included on the dream team. JSOC forces have really been the go-to units in dealing with terrorism overseas as they utilize the best of all the military branches in one unit rather than having to deal with the bureaucratic nightmare that is the US Armed Forces. JSOC forces are often combined with CIA Special Ops Group forces for the sole reason that putting anything under the Intelligence agency umbrella keeps the funding and the operation itself out of public (and Congressional) eyes. For better or for worse, this makes JSOC our surgical precision team, called in on all operations (whether legit Ops or Black Ops), to kick some serious ass.

The JSOC team assigned to kill or capture Bin Laden will forever be envied as the group that got the Super Bowl of Special Ops missions. The lucky bastard who actually killed the extremist super-douche will happily fade into obscurity, but I think its safe to say he’ll NEVER have to pay for a drink again in his life.


Its often tough to discern the main characteristic of the JSOC operative...his brass balls

One Comment

  1. I love the second picture of everyone huddled around. It looks like they dragged the President in late and off the golf course (judging by his shirt). At least the Military guys could have let the Commander in Chief sit at the table.