C-Nasty’s Running Diary: 2011 NFL Draft

by C-Nasty, Diarist

I know The Horn loves its Draft Day coverage, and pretty much everyone else but myself and the Ryno have better things to do than watch the ENTIRE Draft, so I decided to dust off the running diary. I may be a bit rusty and/or not know what I’m talking about whatsoever.  Standards are low.

8:03 – Chris Berman lets us know that 3 million people have come through Radio City Music Hall (useless factoid number 1 of 23987409582 that we’ll hear throughout the course of the broadcast) and then throws it to Mort and Adam Schefter to tell us why this draft is different than any other draft.  After my answer of “because it’s with completely different players and with the teams in a completely different order than any other year” was deemed incorrect, Mort dazzles us with his recap of the lockout.  Amazingly, this is not Mort’s first time speaking on camera, though it looks it.

8:05 – Roger Goodell takes the stage to a chorus of boos and then somehow wins the crowd over by saying “let’s get back to some football” and “the draft is now open”.  Let’s hope the Player’s Union’s attorneys are a little more resolute in their objection to the Commissioner.

 

"You know, the CFL offered me $10 mil..."

8:07 – Cam Newton goes first to the Carolina Panthers, hugs his mom and then is quickly informed by Panther personnel that he has to remove is Under Armour pin on his suit jacket.  Welcome back to the world of non-amateur athletics Cam.  He walks out on stage to a chorus of boos.  I’m confused, are they holding this in Charlotte?  Why does New York care about the Heisman trophy winner going first?  It’s not like there was a clear cut, can’t miss #1 pick.

8:09 – Mel Kiper (who I’m convinced is in the middle stages of morphing into some sort of falcon or other bird-like creature) informs us Newton’s accuracy is fine but he needs to work on his precision.  I’d like to take this opportunity to tell Mel that he looks fine, but he needs to work on his appearance.

Kiper passes a kidney stone midway through the first round

8:14 – Roger Goodell briefly forgets what year it is and then lets us know that Von Miller is the second pick to the Broncos.  Von weeps into a Kleenex for entirely too long, finishes a phone call and then throws on the nerdiest glasses I’ve seen since Gene Shallot.

8:20 – The Bills take Marcell Dareus third, who has a much more reasonable reaction than Von Miller by smiling and hugging people and doing some sort of coordinated handshake with a member of his entourage.

8:25 – Chris Berman intros the Bengals pick by suggesting they might take Blaine Gabbert here to indicate that Carson Palmer is out.  Cincinnati backs up Berman’s 30+ years of expertise by selecting A.J. Green.  John Gruden offers his unbiased opinion of his brother Jay’s pick (Jay Gruden was recently hired as the Bengals’ new offensive coordinator) saying that Green has zero areas of concern and is the best offensive player in the draft.  Kiper lets us know that Green has no trouble with poorly thrown balls and somewhere Carson Palmer reconsiders leaving Cincy.

8:30 – Boomer throws to Colleen Dominguez in Phoenix who let’s us know a few minutes before the pick is announced that the Arizona Cardinals are going to take Patrick Peterson.  And that’s all she has to report.  She’s like the middle-schooler who found out about some exciting piece of gossip and then ran around telling the whole school in an attempt to become more popular than the person the gossip was about.  Thanks for your contribution Colleen.

8:32 – Mel breaks down the Peterson pick and fails to notice his own scouting report up on the screen as Patrick hugs every person in the green room.  On the screen Mel’s areas of concern says “None” and Kiper goes on to list about three things he needs to work on.

8:36 – Looks like we have our first trade developing as Adam and Mort fill us in on Atlanta’s efforts to move up and take Julio Jones with the 6th pick.  Boomer explains that they’ve done this because they didn’t really have a home run threat.  Boomer was apparently asleep for weeks 1, 4, 5 and 10 when Roddy White had a total of over 450 yards receiving and 3 TDs and must have been comatose when he went for 201 yards and 2 scores in week 7.

8:37 – Jon Gruden plays the role of the turd in Atlanta’s punch bowl by hating on the Jones pick.  Being the hard-ass that he is, Gruden explains that he wants his wide receivers to be able to catch the football and that Julio has struggled with that his entire career.  Oh.  I suppose Gruden’s not an asshole with a 5 year old “Children of the Corn” haircut after all.  He’s an occasionally reasonable asshole with a 5 year old “Children of the Corn” haircut.  ESPN cuts to Julio, who apparently couldn’t hang on to all the dreads on the front half of his head.

8:44 – The 49ers take Aldon Smith at #7.  Gruden’s scouting report says he needs to play better with his hands, they have no idea where to play him position-wise and that he’s just a puppy.  Well done, San Francisco, same time same place next year?

8:46 – Not to be outdone, the Titans use the 8th pick on Jake Locker, a homeless man’s Tim Tebow.  Goodell barely gets through announcing the pick before he starts laughing.  Gruden blames Locker’s struggles in college on his subpar supporting cast.  Somehow his receivers are to blame for him throwing it into the ground when they’re wide open.

8:48 – Gruden somehow manages to blow Locker on national TV without any of those blurred out boxes before Kiper interrupts.  Mel mentions that in one game this year (his fourth as a starter) Locker went 4-20 with 2 picks and he had a career completion percentage of around 55%.  Gruden responds, and is backed up by Boomer, in what can only be paraphrased as “you gonna believe me or your lying eyes?”  Kiper feels like the smartest person in the room for the first time since the late 90’s.  Solid analysis fellas.

 

"Thank you. Yes, I'll be fine, sir. If I put my finger in my ear I won't hear any booing."

8:52 – Mort jumps on the Boomer/Gruden bandwagon by telling us that Locker is the anti-Vince Young as far as work ethic.  Really?  So he’s worked this hard and he’s still this bad?  How does that make any of this better?  Mort also points out that, unlike when Tebow announced to thousands of people at the Swamp that he was coming back for his senior year, Locker just went into his coach’s office and told him he was coming back.  All this tells us is that no one likes Jake Locker.

8:57 – America’s Team takes Tyron Smith with the 9th pick making it the first time the Cowboys have taken an offensive tackle in the first round since 1981.  Makes sense considering Romo got broken in half because of a lack of an offensive line, but it’s tough to get excited about an offensive lineman as a top 10 pick if this is your team. Effective, but boring.  Like cheering after Tim Duncan makes yet another bank shot.

9:02 – Jacksonville trades up to get Blaine Gabbert at #10.  Back in Florida, David Garrard breaks his TV.

9:09 – Houston takes J.J. Watt  and Mel Kiper continues his streak of saying a bunch of great things about a player and then saying how he doesn’t think they’ll be all that good.  Also, Mel’s favorite word is “ability”, even though he can’t pronounce it properly.

9:14 – Mark Schwarz reports live from Minnesota that he is texting with people in the Minnesota front office who are sitting about a hundred yards away from Boomer and the guys in NYC.  Stellar use of resources Mark.

9:18 – After trying desperately to trade the twelfth pick, Minnesota decides that the only way to lure Brett Favre out of retirement yet again is to not solve their crisis at quarterback.  Naturally, they select Christian Ponder.  Gruden can’t stop laughing and then remembers that he’s on TV and puts his scowl back on.  Somewhere, Brad Childress is chuckling in his windowless van that I can only assume is parked near a playground.

9:23 – Detroit takes Nick Fairley at #13 which sends Boomer into a series of “Wooooow”s.  Admittedly, going up against Suh and Fairley is pants-shittingly intimidating.  Also, it appears that Fairley got the memo about him being a giant asshole and decided to out-nerd Von Miller in an attempt to change his image.

 

Bowtie says formal, the hat says I'm here to party

9:29 – Robert Quinn goes to St. Louis at #14 and now we all get to experience those magical 5 minutes that come every year before the Dolphins completely fuck up their draft pick.

9:34 – ESPN spends the entire build up to the Fins pick talking about Mark Ingram and how great he is.  Suzy Kolber even has an e-mail from his dad who sent it in from prison.  What a touching moment this is all going to turn out to b-…

…and the Dolphins take Mike Pouncey.  So much for that.  Pouncey is listed as a Center and consistently struggles snapping the football. I’m told snapping is an integral part of playing Center.  Well done Miami, you picked a guy based on how good his brother was.  That’s like banging a hot girl’s ugly sister in hopes that she’ll tell you about that one time she saw her sister naked.

9:43 – With the 16th pick the Redskins take Ryan Kerrigan from Purdue which was preceded by Mel Kiper breaking down the 10 people he has on his board that should be picked by now.  Ryan Kerrigan was not one of those 10.  Way to have the pulse of the league, Mel.  No matter who gets picked last on Day 3 you’ve wrapped up the Mr. Irrelevant title for this year.

9:50 – The Pats have been stockpiling picks like Twinkies for a nuclear winter and here’s their first of the seven they get in this draft.  They take the whitest guy possible in OT Nate Solder from Colorado.  Solder is 6’8” 320 and for the first time since I walked by Erick Dampier in Brickell, I feel small.

9:54 – Boomer makes horrible pun #353498574 of his career by saying San Diego needs to get legit on defense by getting (Corey) Liuget on defense.  Get it?  Boomer waits for the laugh he doesn’t get and then continues to babble incoherently about what I assume was the contradictory nature of him being spokesman for Nutrisystem and Applebees at the same time.

10:03 – Did Chris Mortensen have a stroke?  He’s a TV reporter that can’t speak on air without looking like he’s trying to hold in an aggressive shit and pausing every third word.  The New York Football Giants take Prince Amukamara with the 19th pick.  The Amukamara family wins the inaugural “Coming to America” wardrobe award and Boomer limbos under the bar he just set for worst joke this year by noting that “the night before the royal wedding, the Giants take a Prince!”  Shut the entire fuck up.

 

"Enjoy your success young Prince, but always make sure the Royal Penis is clean."

10:12 – The Bucs take Adrian Clayborn at #20.  Apparently Clayborn wasn’t expecting to get picked or he hasn’t spent his signing bonus yet. He’s the only person since the 1994 draft to use a rotary phone to take the “Would you like to join our team, son?” phone call.

10:22 – Peyton Hillis, Madden 2012’s cover boy, tags along with Goodell to announce the pick they traded with Kansas City to get.  He takes this opportunity to thank Jesus, who apparently had something to do with him being able to walk to a podium and speak slightly more coherently than Chris Mortensen.  Perhaps he’s utilizing every public forum to praise Jesus in an attempt to avoid shattering his femur in week 3 and being the latest victim of the Madden curse.

10:26 – The Colts take Anthony Castonzo at #22 to ensure that Peyton Manning delays his inevitable TV career by a couple years.  Castonzo also takes home the best-looking-females-members-of-his-entourage award.  Well played sir.

10:31 – Roger Goodell trots out representatives from every branch of the military in what can only be described as a “Hey, look at me, I’m not so bad, I love America” type move.  Donald Trump immediately demands to see his birth certificate.

10:33 – The Eagles go with Danny Watkins with the 23rd pick, making him the eleventy billionth interior lineman taken in this draft.  Watkins is a former firefighter and will be a 26 year old rookie in the NFL.  Apparently Danny is running a “I want to be able to bang any woman who ever comes within 100 yards of me” campaign and doing a fantastic job.

10:42 – Cameron Jordan (who apparently washed his red shirt with his black tie, shrugged and threw it on anyway) goes to the Saints at #24.  Boomer talks about how smart he must be because his dad went to Brown.  Bulletproof logic Chris.

10:54 – Seattle tries to trade their pick and decides to just go ahead and waste it by taking James Carpenter, a guard from Alabama.  Mel had him as a late second rounder and you’re starting to get the feeling that this draft is going to make Kiper’s head explode.  Fortunately for him and those nearby, his beautiful-yet-sturdy head of hair would keep things in tact.

11:02 – Baltimore is somehow completely caught off guard by the fact that they had the 26th pick, something that has been public knowledge since about February, and don’t submit a pick in time so they pass.  Kansas City, which was next, rushes in to make their pick before Baltimore can and then Baltimore quickly submits their pick in hopes of not completely submerging their head in their anus.

11:06 – Kansas City picked as fast as possible before Baltimore could correct their mistake and…took someone only Kiper and McShay have heard of : Jon Baldwin, WR out of Pitt.  Speaking of McShay, did Kiper re-negotiate his contract to have Todd banned from the ESPN broadcast after getting embarrassed by him during last year’s draft?  Apparently he’s only available online.

11:09 – Baltimore rights the ship and takes Jimmy Smith with the 27th pick.  According to Mel, he slipped this far because of character and off the field issues.  Those issues?  He got caught drinking and smoking weed in college.  Using these metrics, pretty much everyone I’ve ever known has character issues.

 

"A very heavy burtation tonight...we had a very dairst Darrison…buyet let's go hit tarish taszin, licsth ta bit."

11:14 – The Pats, who apparently think stockpiling picks is more valuable than actually drafting players, close a deal with the Saints, who move up to take Mark Ingram.  This makes a ton of sense for New Orleans since Reggie Bush is no longer sleeping with Kim Kardashian and has rendered himself completely useless.

11:21 – Da Bears take Gabe Carimi at #29 who should reduce the number of times Jay Cutler is able to miss a playoff game due to faking an injury.  However, Gabe won’t be able to do anything about Cutler’s general douchery.

11:25 – The most raucous (read: annoying) fanbase in Radio City Music Hall cheers as their J-E-T-S take Muhammed Wilkerson with the 30th pick.  ESPN gives us a shot of him preparing to hold a press conference from what appears to be Libya.  However, people not named Gaddafi are cheering and hugging so I may have guessed incorrectly.

11:28 – Cameron Heyward goes to Pittsburgh at #31 who starts crying from what looks like the same room where the Dirty Sanchize got picked a few years back.  Mel, John and Boomer spend most of the time they’re supposed to be using to evaluate Cameron talking about how great his dad was.  It appears they’ve just run out of stuff to say; I can empathize.

11:38 – The Packers wrap up the first round by taking Derek Sherrod. Goodell wastes no time in saying goodnight so he can get back to blowing the owners and drowning kittens.  The take home message here: never trust a ginger.

 

Thus concludes the 2011 NFL Draft Diary.  Hopefully I came off as less retarded than Chris Mortensen and less useless than Chris Berman.  Low bars to clear for sure, but here’s to hoping none of you are Titans and/or Vikings fans.

One Comment

  1. Douchebag 16, Dolphins 0. 😛