Spencer Nose the NFL Draft

by Spencer Nose, Fantasy Geek/Genius

www.spencernosefantasy.com/

 

The Nose is here to break down the awesomeness known as the NFL draft.  NFL Draft Day is one of excitement; a day where we tell our special ladies that we’ll be out of commission ALL day eating pizza and wings and praying your team doesn’t choke.

Speaking of choking, I assume most of you are Dolphins or Jets fans due to how “Jew’d” up Ryno’s readership must be.  Let’s breakdown some of the old school memories of each team, good and bad.  Then we’ll do a breakdown for every team’s needs this year, and who’s going where.

I hope you know, you’re in luck, because I can take a dump on Todd McShay when it comes to analyzing the draft. That guy is a JOKE and certainly doesn’t have the hair Kiper Jr has.

Let’s do this.

"Who's this Nose asshole?"

Dolphins

Great Picks:

Dan Marino (27thoverall, 1983): Yes, the man, the myth the cokehead.  The best Miami Dolphin of all time had a rifle arm and checkered background check.  Shula hit a homerun when multiple teams (including the Jets) shied away from Danny boy and the drug rumors.  Hey Jets, how was Ken O’Brien?

Richmond Webb (9th Pick, 1990): Fins staple: 11 years, 7 Pro Bowls.  He killed his body for Dan and was a Miami cornerstone for the 90s.

Jason Taylor (73rd pick, 1997): Best Defensive pick the Fins had in forever, no disrespect to Zach Thomas.  JT is a 6 time Pro Bowler, and future Hall of Famer; I’ll throw down with anyone who thinks differently.  The Akron Assassin is the NFLs all-time leader in fumbles returned for Touchdowns.  Yes, he left Miami for Washington, then arch rival New York, but this dude sweats orange and aqua. Last note: helluva dancer.

WTF were they thinking picks?

Jamar Fletcher (26th pick, 2001): So your QB is a Jew from the hard streets of Long Island, NY, so you don’t need some guy named Drew Brees. Instead you get Fletcher, a nickel back who faded fast. Think that pick couldn’t have changed all you Fins fans lives for the last 10+ years?

Eddie Moore (49th Pick, 2003): The Fins had a huge need for WR back in 03. Everybody in South Florida was waiting to hear Anquan Boldin’s name called, but instead you get a banged up LB in Eddie Moore.  NEVER did a thing for the Phins.  Nice job fellas.

Ted Ginn Jr (9th pick, 2007): The joke of drafting Ted Ginn Jr and his Family is always re-told on draft day.  What a desperate and pathetic pick.  This kid was like Jefferson from the movie The Program, just “another gangbanger with speed”.  Bust City and Jeff Ireland was (and still is) the mayor.

New York Jets

Great Picks:

Darrelle Revis (14th pick, 2007): Can you say the best CB in the game EVER not named Deion Sanders?  Rod Woodson might bitch, but Revis is the goods. Tremendous pick for the Jets

Al Toon (10th pick, 1985): TOOOOOOON was a Jet all the way from his first cigarette til his last dying day.  3 time Pro Bowl WR who got his head cracked-in too many times. Had to retire at 29. Was awesome with Wesley Walker on the other side.

Nick Mangold (29th pick, 2006): Probably the best Center in the game and figures on a long career in Jersey.  This future Hall of Famer was a STEAL with the 29, and the Jets have been on the up and up ever since they drafted him. 

WTF were they thinking picks?

Blair Thomas (2nd pick, 1990): One of the biggest busts in NFL history.  Thomas was injury plagued during his very short NFL stint, and can now be found in Central Park in Plantation, Florida running full court hoops if you wish to heckle this ex-Penn State stud RB.  Gross pick.

Vernon Gholston (6th pick, 2008): Played for the Jets from 2008-2011, but never recorded a sack. Is this thing on? NOT ONE SINGLE SACK!  Google the word “Bust”, hit images, you’ll find Gholston.

Mike Nugent (47th pick, 2005): A kicker in the 2nd round?  I have…um…I can’t even talk about this. Idiots.

So now let’s get excited for tonight’s draft and for the rest of the weekend. Who will draft the next great NFL player? Who will draft the next major bust like JaMarcus Russell or Tim Couch?  Only time will tell…

 

"With the first pick of the 2011 draft, the Carolina Panthers pick....Dude, seriously?"

2011 Draft, Round 1

Carolina Panthers:  #1 Pick, Cameron Newton QB: The Panthers were the JOKE of the NFL last season with bum Jimmy Clausen at the helm.   The Panthers are going to CHOKE their brains out and draft Auburn’s stud. Cam Newton is as talented as you get, but does he have the brains to read NFL defenses and make wise decisions on the spot?  I’m not sold.  OR is it possible My Gators bias is blinding me, because I can’t believe Urban let him get away and stuck us with John Brantley. You make the call…

 

Oh, how the Heisman pose has changed

Denver Broncos:  #2 Pick, Marcell Dareus  DT: John Elway saves the day for Denver and will draft a Defensive Tackle.   Denver hemorrhaged 4.7 yards per carry last year and all 315 pounds of Dareus will step in and clog the middle in John Foxs’ 4-3 defense.  Biggest no-brainer pick in the draft

Buffalo Bills:  #3 Pick, Von Miller  LB: The Bills need so much help it’s comical. Bills fans long for the days of Kelly, Thurman and Reed, with a side of Beebe.  Those days ain’t coming back any time soon.  The Bills D was atrocious last year and Von Miller is the perfect pass rusher for them to get back on track. Expect the Bills get the guy with the coolest name in the draft.

Cincinnati Bengals: #4 A.J Green  WR : I personally believe the pick should be Blaine Gabbert, but the Bengals will go with the most talented player on the offensive side of the ball. T.O. and Ocho will both likely out of CinCin, so the Bungles mega-reload their WR corps and this kid is a home run WR.  He’s like a young and sexy Dez Bryant, both have awesome hands and shred DBs down the field. This is a great pick for the Bengals.

Arizona Cardinals: #5 Pick, Patrick Peterson  CB: The Cardinals can’t pass on possibly the best athlete in the draft.  Like A.J Green on O, Patrick Peterson is by far the best athlete on the D side of the ball.  Cards need serious help in the secondary.  A great lock down and cover corner, the Cards also get one of the best punt returner in college last year. Peterson will compliment Rodgers-Cromartie in Zona next year. Lock it up!

Cleveland Browns: #6  Pick, Julio Jones WR: Let’s play a fun game….Can you name a better than average WR the Browns suited up in the last 10 years?  (If you say Braylon Edwards, please stop reading this article, you are not worthy!)  The Browns are SO desperate for a stud WR and J-Squared fits the bill.  Not really a vertical threat, but this man-beast is a playmaker. Brownies need an athlete, and Jones be thy name.

San Francisco 49ers: #7 Pick, Blaine Gabbert  QB: Time to move on from the Alex Smith bust!  49ers need their new Montana/Young and Gabbert has to be their choice.  Only thing that scares me is Gabbert came out of a spread offense, ala Alex Smith in Utah. Can Gabbert handle the ball under the center and be an awesome Pro QB? Time will tell.

Tennessee Titans:  #8 Pick, Nick Fairley  DT: Can you say Albert Haynesworth, Jr.? Titans need desperate help on their D-Line, Secondary and certainly at QB.  They can choke it up and draft Dalton or Locker here but I hope they’ll see the light.  Fairley was once considered the #1 player on the board until people found out he is a complete punk.  He shows up late for meetings, or not all, so now he’s a “character issue” guy now.  That said, did you see this dude shit all over Oregon in the National Championship game?  I hope they wait on QB, and jump all over Fairley here. I hope they can hear me.

Dallas Cowboys: #9 Pick, Tyron Smith  OT: Romo has been crushed by defenses so them ‘Boys need a big time OT.   Rumors got J.J Watt going here, but Dallas can’t pass up on that haus Ty Smith. Jerry Jones can’t F this up.

 

"WTF? I spent a Billion on this place, and we still use dry-erase?"

Washington Redskins: #10 Pick, Robert Quinn  DT: The Skins are moving into a 3-4 defense,  and Quinn would fit in perfectly into their new scheme opposite Brian Orakpo at the other end.  Some rumblings have the Skins grabbing  Jack Locker here, but if they’re smart they draft Quinn and look for a QB early 2nd round.

Houston Texans: #11 Pick, Prince Amukamara  CB: If you made it this far, you are probably a fantasy football gamer, so you know you always start QBs and WRs against the Texans horrific defense. This has to be a lock unless Houston trades up to get Peterson.  The Texans need a Secondary savior, and PRINCE is on the way.

Minnesota Vikings: 12 Pick, Cameron Jordan  DE: Many are selling the Vikings on a QB like Locker or Dalton, but I’m not buying. The Vikings need a pass rusher and Cam Jordan fits the mold. Jordan is a versatile line man out of Cal Berkley and will be freezing in Minnesota.

Detroit Lions: 13 Pick, Anthony Costanzo  OT: Most say a DE like Watt or Bowers go in this spot, but I don’t see the logic.  The Lions are going to break Stafford if they don’t protect his ass. Costanzo was solid at OT all 4 years at Boston College. Stability in Detroit? I know.

St. Louis Rams: 14 Pick, Corey Liuget  DT: Liuget is a Ron Zook special out of Illinois.  His stock is rising as high as I am writing this. The Rams need a DT badly and Liuget will be their man tonight. He had 17 tackles behind the line last season, 10 QB pressures and 6 passes batted down. He just turned 21, so tons of upside. Put this one in the books….done deal.

Miami Dolphins: 15 Pick, Andy Dalton  QB: Ladies and Gentleman, we have a SERIOUS GINGER ALERT!  The Fins have to lay it all on the line this year and draft their QB of the future. The red head and I mean RED HEAD is a very smart QB, with the skill set to be a solid QB. I’m calling it here, but I will still laugh my ass off if they take Dalton. I don’t think he will be a great Pro.  The Fins are soul searching right now, and if you haven’t heard, GINGERS HAVE NO SOULS. This will end up as a debacle of a pick, book it. I wish they’d go with Mike Pouncey and worry about QB later in draft, but who am I?  (hint, I’m better than Jeff Ireland)

 

Fins will paint an Aqua line on his head

Jacksonville Jaguars: 16 Pick, Ryan Kerrigan  DE:  The Jags are historically awful drafters and they need a player to bring some stability to the Jags D.  Big 10 player of the year, Ryan Kerrigan, is the perfect fit for the Jags this year. This DE has a unreal engine on him and will be a J’ville staple for years to come. Until they move to Los Angeles, of course.

New England Patriots: 17 Pick, Mike Pouncey  OT: New England is a big time candidate to trade out of this pick, but when they see Pouncey fall, they have to take the great Florida Gator. If you didn’t know, Belichick LOVES drafting Gators, they have 5 Gators on their roster. When Beli’s boy, Urban Meyer, calls to recommend Pouncey, it’ll be 6.

San Diego Chargers: 18 Pick,  Muhammad Wilkerson  DL: Wilkerson is a talented D-Lineman who is under-the-radar only because he played for the Temple. Not exactly a powerhouse, but Al Golden coached this kid up big time and he’ll be an impact wherever he goes.  The Nose is saying he will be in sunny South California.

New York Giants: 19 Pick, Nate Solder  OT: The Giants have an old O-Line and they need a youth movement. The Giants will simply take the best OT on the board, so with Pouncey and Costanzo gone, Solder steps up out of Colorado. Let’s just hope that that Solder stays off those Colorado Greens at least a few weeks before the season starts.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 20 Pick, Da’Quan Bowers  DE: Sad to see a guy slip from a top 5 status all the way to 20, but this is Bowers’ best case scenario.  He has injury issues, (and tore his meniscus last year), so all teams are concerned and are shying away. If the Bucs take him, they get a steal pick here. If he can’t stay healthy this could be a Gaines Adams-may he rest in peace-sized bust.

Kansas City Cheifs: 21 Pick, Aldon Smith  DE/LB: KC needs a pass rusher and OLB/DE tweener, Aldon Smith fits the script. Process of elimination throws him in KC; they can’t afford not to get the best pass rusher on the big board.

Indianapolis Colts: 22 Pick,  Gabe Carimi  OT: The Colts need to keep Manning off the ground and Carimi is by far the best tackle available. The Colts will jump on steal him here if he’s still on the board.  Carimi will miss those ladies from Wisconsin.

Philadelphia Eagles: 23 Pick, Jimmy Smith  CB: That’s right, I went back to back Buffs out of the University of Colorado. Smith is a straight STUD with a side of character issues. He’s a menace both on and off the field, so he could have a Pro Bowl career if he keeps his mind right. This CB will fit in great wherever he goes, hell who can’t use a solid cover corner?  He slips to the birds only because of his “baggage” but Andy Reid (no stranger to baggage) will have a potential star on his hands.

 

"Mike, its about this time when folks usually realize I have no idea WTF I'm talking about."

New Orleans Saints: Pick 24, Adrian Clayborn  DE: Saints are locked and loaded on O, but they can use another playmaker on D. The Saints will go defense and the Nose and pick Clayborn, a sack artist out of Iowa.

Seattle Seahawks: Pick 25, Derek Sherrod  OL: Seattle will do anything to trade up, so this might be moot. If they stay at 25, ignore what you hear because the Hawks will NOT draft a QB. They need to beef up on the both Lines so it will be either DT or OT.  The best player on the O side is the technically sound Derek Sherrod. It’s a boring pick, but the wise one for Coach Carroll.

Baltimore Ravens:  Pick 26, Marvin Austin  DT: Chuck. It’s Marvin – your cousin, Marvin BERRY. You know that new sound you’re looking for? Well, listen to this….Marvin Austin in Baltimore is BRILLIANT!  A character problem, for sure, but who better to whip his ass into shape than Ray Lewis?  Austin is talented and can shine best in Baltimore.

Atlanta Falcons:  Pick 27, J.J Watt  DE: Fun factoid of the day:  Atlanta GM Thomas Dimitroff has never picked a Big Ten player in any round of any draft, ever.  That all changes tonight, as J.J Watt, big time DE out of Wisonsin, can fall right into Dirty Bird hands. The sentimental pick would be Cameron Heyward, whose father, Ironhead Heyward (R.I.P) played 3 hard seasons in Atlanta, but the Falcons have to go Watt if he’s still there (and that is a big if).

New England Patriots: Pick 28, Mark Ingram  RB: Some say he’s the next Emmit Smith. Some say he’s undersized and won’t be a top notch pro.  I say he’s a stud and the Patriots. I hate it but he will excel in their offense IMMEDIATELY. The Law Firm of BenJarvus Green-Ellis will be adding a new Managing Partner in the backfield.

Chicago Bears: Pick 29, Danny Watkins  G: How many times is Jay Cutler going to his ass knocked down to the ground?  The Bears are desperate for O-Line help and DW will be the best Guard available here.  Watkins is a former Fire Fighter who didn’t play football until JUCO. He’s supposed to be an O-Line menace, exactly what the Bears are looking for. This sucks for me, as I personally love seeing Cutler on the ground, and this pick will make that less frequent.

New York Jets: Pick 30, John Houston DE/OLB: The Georgia Bulldog will be a great attempt to replace the bum known as Vernon Gholston.  Houston is a perfect OLB for the Jets 3-4 system. Expect the Jets to still draft a defensive player even if Houston is off the board.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Pick 31, Brandon Harris  CB: How horrible was the Steelers CB play in the Super Bowl? Well, the Steelers will address that this year and draft this Sam Shields-type player out of the U. Harris has to be their selection here.

Green Bay Packers: Pick 32, Cam Heyward  DL: The polished D-Tackle out of Ohio State is a perfect complement to B.J Radji and Co.  This kid is NFL-ready day 1 will be on the Super Bowl defending Green Bay Packers roster come tonight.

Players that might Sneak into 1st round:

James Baldwin, WR  Pittsburgh

Kyle Rudolph, TE  Notre Dame

Akeem Ayers, LB  UCLA

Leonard Hankerson, WR  Miami (Fla)

Jake Locker, QB   Washington

 

Anything can happen on Draft day, so I’ll just say this…if I nail half the picks, I’m calling that a successful mocking by The Nose. I hope you grab some beers and wings and enjoy the awesome days of the NFL draft. As fans, we have to believe the show will continue on and the NFL will get their act together to give us the greatest Sunday activity of all time.

Spencer Nose wishing you all a lovely Draft Day.

If you enjoyed my post, follow me on Twitter @spencernose and check out my website www.spencernosefantasy.com for all the fantasy baseball and football geeks like me.

"Why is today the only day people talk about me?"