Crap you should read Tuesday (4/26)

Afghan Prison Break:

More than 475 militants escaped from Sarposa prison in Kandahar on Sunday. How’d they do it? They dug their way out, or rather, someone dug IN to get them.

Taliban militants dug a tunnel over 1000 feet long and only 3 feet wide to make way for the daring escape. The tunnel started under a Taliban sympathizer’s home, and ended right under the Afghan prison’s political prisoner wing. Armed with copies of cell keys, the liberators made it inside and quietly roused the sleeping inmates. For almost 5 hours, they lead some 500 prisoners (mostly Taliban) quietly back through the tunnel. Forces were ready to repel any attack from the guards, but there wasn’t a peep.

The mass exodus wasn’t discovered until the next morning,  I presume when Ahmed Dufresne didn’t show up at roll-call after Red got him the rope the night before, and Warden noticed his finest polished sandals were missing from the safe. Afghan officials say they already recaptured 26 of the escapees so far, but acknowledge “loopholes” in their security. By loopholes, Im assuming they mean maybe not playing “Gia” on loop on the Afghan Prison Guard Close Captioned channel, and probably shouldn’t have served Turkey with Roofie-Colada for dinner.

Taliban exaggerators spokesmen brag that many Senior Commanders were freed in this “rescue”, but American officials deny that Sarposa was a detention center for high-level Taliban. Either way, I’m sure that none of these guys are going back to fighting, right? Hate put them in, but Love bust them out…right?

Damn, its like they just hit up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-b-a-b-a-select start and got unlimited men.

They also just came up with the plot for a new 24 movie.

How the 500 militants escaped during Afghan Prison Break — LA Times

Someone tell them to check Saywatanayo. Look for a guy working on his boat

NFL Lockout Lifted, but not really

A US District Court Judge has ruled the NFL lockout to be illegal, and says it must be lifed. Of course this is all legal semantics, but a huge victory for Players nonetheless. Basically the decision says that the League has to stop treating the players as a Union (they can only lockout the Union, not individuals) because the Players decertified their Union a while ago. The League maintains that the Players are still holding themselves out to be a union by their actions, but the Judge wanted none of it.

Don’t feel lost Layperson. Its confusing because its obvious that the league isn’t negotiating with every single player individually. Doesn’t common sense then dictate that they are dealing with the representatives of players, and therefore de facto Union reps? Guess not.

Of course the League will appeal, and the process can take months, but in the legal system, this is a victory for players. The fact remains that the Judge felt the harm to the players by enacting the lockout was more crippling (players like Peyton Manning can’t shop their services on the open market during the impasse) than the relatively minor harm suffered by the league (a smaller percentage of profits) if the season was to unfold.

One thing I noticed is that for the last few weeks, the League has been trying a  divide-and-conquer strategy to get the players to turn on one another and split apart. They sent out pamphlets, made it a whole big thing. Wouldn’t it stand to reason that dividing the players would prove there is no union? We know that wasn’t their goal, so this whole tactic was actually the League trying to get the players to overtly hold themselves out as one Union, backed with a single goal. This would have won them this stage of the lawsuit. Classic legal manipulation. Oh you brilliant, tricky bastards, I remember all of this from Professor Zavian’s class.

Judge sides with Players, tells NFL to end lockout — USA Today

"Yes its true. The District Court serves Bitter Beer."

Sad NFL News

Legendary Steelers Quarterback and current Fox analyst, Terry Bradshaw is losing his memory as a result of the beatings he took while in the NFL. Bradshaw recently admitted he’s terrified of embarrassing himself while on live TV due to his loss of memory and loss of motor-skills. He’s dealt so far by managing with rehab, and avoiding mention of statistics or names that he’ll eventually forget on-air. It’s tough to see these former titans as broken-down men, but “six concussions” and a bunch of hits that would “clear the cobwebs” can turn your brain and body into mush. Its a violent game, and the effects become more apparent as the “tough guy” image falls away and players acknowledge that health is more important than pride. Hopefully Bradshaw will do his part to ensure players of today and tomorrow don’t have to deal with the same issues.

I really want to make a smart-ass comment about Bradshaw forgetting all the shit he used to talk about Marino and the Fins, but I don’t think this is the place. This is just a sad story made especially sadder considering how badly the NFL wants to push more games on these players and then pay them less money to do so.

Sad but true: Terry Bradshaw is actually losing his mind — USA Today

"...he gave me this ring. I hid this uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass for two years...And now, little man, I give this ring to you."

Entourage Movie?

We still have one more season of Entourage before HBO kicks them off the air, but hints were recently dropped that Vince and crew might take their act to the silver screen. Jeremy Piven hinted that the season caps off the story well, but it definitely sets the stage for a future feature-film.  Producer Mark Wahlburg also recently teased that his life didn’t end in his 20’s, so he still has plenty of stories to share through the characters loosely based off his experiences in Hollywood. I say “loosely” because Vinnie was never charged with attempted murder for beating a Vietnamese guy senseless with a stick and blinding him for life. Or breaking a guy’s jaw out of racist rage. But then again, Vince is a pussy.

I’m sure they’d all hug it out if Marky Mark, his stick and HBO thought they could all make boatloads from a theater release and the DVD.

What do you think? Good news, or would it be Sex and the City for dudes? Is it already?

Aquaman or Medillin?

Jeremy Piven hints at Entourage movie – NY Magazine

Vince and Crew strutting through the Shire on the set of "Entourage: Hobbiton"

All Dogs Go To Chinese Food

Coming from the gross news/good news department: last week in Beijing, a truckload of 580 dogs was saved by a little bit of luck and a lot of social media activism. The dogs were on their way to the meat-market-in-the-sky when an animal rights activist spotted the truck and harassed the hell out of it. He got the driver to stop, and a friend used Sina Weibo (Chinese Twitter-ish, since Twitter is illegal) to get more than 100 fellow activists to bring medicine and food for the dogs. After 15 hours, the mob was able to collect $17,690 between them to pay the driver to free the dogs.

(I couldn’t bear posting the nasty pictures, but you should click here if you just have to see how they cook and eat dogs and cats in China)

It’s hard not to smile when you think about the dogs being “freed”, but we have to remember every culture is different. Look, they’re a country of 6 billion people, they have to eat whatever they can. If its life and death, and I have to choose between a terrier and cockroach, I can’t really tell you which way I’m gonna go.

By the way, hypocrite: how do you think a culture that keeps a Chicken as a pet would view American eating habits?

Chinese Activists rescue dogs destined for dinner table —

"Umm...I was told there was going to be a shower?"

One Comment

  1. love the details on the afghan prison break story & the tie in to shawshank — doubt they made it all the way to zihuatanejo