by Jeff Horowitz, NBA Wunderkind


We’re over the round 1 hump, and a couple of the series are more exciting than the others. Let’s take a look at how The King sees this week playing out in The Association.

Magic-Hawks:  Hawks lead series 3-1
“Stan Van GONEdy” could be the Orlando Sentinel’s Wednesday headline if the Magic can’t win on their home court Tuesday night. Dwight Howard, who is leading all NBA players in scoring AND rebounding this postseason, happens to also be leading the NBA in “it doesn’t matter”. The Orlando Magic are getting their asses handed to them by a team they demolished in the NBA Playoffs just last season! The vengeful Hawks are basically saying, “Let Dwight Howard KILL us, and make his sub-par supporting cast win the game.” That philosophy almost never works, but guess what- IT’S WORKING! I remember back in October, Magic GM Otis Smith said, “The Miami HEAT might have a Good ‘Big Three’ , but we have a GREAT 12.” Oh do you, Otis? Is that why two months after that statement, you blew up your team? First Smith acquired the player formerly-known-as Agent Zero: Gilbert Arenas from Washington for Rashard Lewis. Next, he sent Orlando’s 2nd leading scorer, Vince Carter, backup center Marcin Gortat, and defensive-stopper Mickael Pietrus to the Phoenix Suns for Jason Richardson and Hedo Turkoglu. (Quick side-note: Thanks to Turkoglu’s face and Zaza Pachulia’s horrendously grotesque back-ne, this series is not a recommended watch in HD).  Ever since that trade, the Magic dropped from contenders to also-rans.  Stan Van Gundy is considered to be one of the “smartest” coaches in the entire NBA, but right now, Larry Drew and his 86 games of head-coaching experience is kicking SVG’s ass.
Is it just me, or does Dwight Howard have that same pained expression on his face that Lebron James had during last years Cavs-Celtics series? It’s almost like he just wants it to be over with and move on.  If Orlando loses this series and can’t advance to the 2nd Round, Dwight Howard will be playing in a Lakers uniform next season, and Van Gundy will be checking ID’s at Bennigan’s.

"I'm taking my talents to South Beach. Jerry's Deli, I mean."

Lakers-Hornets : Series tied 2-2
Congrats to Lamar Odom for becoming the first Laker in team history to win the NBA’s Sixth Man Award, but does ABC need to keep cutting to his pet’s wife’s face every time Odom scores? Blech. At least this turned out to be exciting, which is a nice way of saying I called this all wrong. I predicted the Lakers would roll the Hornets, simply because I didn’t see much coming from Chris Paul. Well, CP3 saved it for the postseason, and is truly playing the best basketball in the entire Western Conference. In the Hornets 2 victories this series, CP3 is averaging 30 points, 14 assists, and 10 rebounds. In last night’s win alone, Paul grabbed 13 rebounds – more than ANYONE on the court; and he’s barely 6 feet tall! I was wrong when I said Chris Paul being injured, because he’s juking guys like Adrian Peterson in Madden ’11. On the other side, Super-Kobe is only scoring 23ppg on 42% shooting in this series. The Lakers need much more.
Lakers-Hornets looks like it’s going 7, and is by far the most exciting series in these playoffs.

CP3's Knick audition continues

Dallas-Portland : Series tied 2-2
Brandon Roy is the key to this series for Portland. Roy only logged 8 minutes and scored zero points in Game 2,  and he admitted to reporters that he was holding back tears on the bench when he was bypassed for other subs. Just 3 seasons ago, Roy was one of the NBA’s top guards, averaging 23 points per game and an All-Star fixture. This is a guy who dropped 42 points against the Rockets in one playoff game in 2009. So after a few knee-surgeries and the development of Wesley Matthews, the Blazers have no minutes for Brandon Roy. Fast-forward to Game 4 in the Rose Garden, one of the toughest arenas to play and home to some of the greatest fans in basketball. Roy came off the bench to score 24 points, 18 in the fourth quarter alone to erase an 18 point Maverick lead, and single-handedly win the game. Roy looked like Dwyane Wade, and his teammates loved every second of it. Portland Forward Gerald Wallace said, “When people ask me what did I do in the fourth quarter, I’ll tell them I stood in the corner and watched The Brandon Roy Show.”
Game 5 in Dallas tonight.

Dirk is doing his best to get this series off NBA TV

Spurs-Grizzlies : Grizz lead 2-1
It looks like the Memphis Grizzlies knew what they were doing when they tanked it to get the 8th Seed to draw San Antonio in the 1st round. Zach Randolph is a true gamer, OJ Mayo is hitting key shots off the bench, and the mid-season acquisition of Shane Battier, (the NBA’s #1 “glue-guy”) have given the Grizz a true shot at upsetting the #1 seeded Spurs. Tim Duncan and Tony Parker are phenomenal players with multiple NBA Championships on their Facebook profiles, but when the Spurs only have Richard Jefferson and Matt Bonner to rely on for complimentary scoring – they’re screwed.
Grizzlies center Marc Gasol, who shed 35lbs during the offseason, is using his newly svelte frame to average 18 points and pull down 12 rebounds in these playoffs.
Game 4 is tonight in Memphis.

"I got this." Umm, no you don't, my favorite Ginger Gator. No you don't.

Thunder-Nuggets: Oklahoma City leads 3-0
Durant, Westbrook, and James Harden are too much for Denver, and Serge Ibaka swats everything in sight. Game 4 is tonight in Denver – and the brooms will be out.

"Where did this series go?"

Heat-76ers :  Miami leads 3-1
I said the Heat would win this series in 5 games, and that prediction will play out Wednesday night in Miami. Sunday’s loss was good for the Heat – I guess, because now they know they aren’t invincible. Of course it also showed them they still can’t hit a shot at the end of the game if they need to. Coach Spo says this allegedly will make them mentally tougher for the Celtics series. I say it just helps me get more home games to sell tickets. Anyone like lower bowl seats?

"Yo Dogg, 8 seconds left. You want to miss this one, or should I?"

Boston-Knicks: Celtics 4-0 SWEEP!

You might not be able to tell with all the brooms around, but this was a series that Boston could have lost. Unfortunately for the Knicks, once Chauncey Billups was out of the lineup, they had no chance. Carmelo played great for a few games, but had no one else. Amare was breaking down, and the Knicks have no bench. Ray Allen was incredible in this series: draining 17 three-pointers, on only 26 attempts to do so…an amazing 65% from beyond the arc. Rajon Rondo racked up 20 assists in Game 3 alone, and the series became a snoozer once it moved to The Garden.

Can Knick fans still celebrate the re-birth of their franchise, and their first playoff appearance in eight seasons, even though they got their asses swept in Round 1?

"Good Season, bro." "G.F.Y., bro"

One Comment

  1. Thank God for the King and his comments. Can we start a caption contest on that Wade/LeBron pic?

    “Yo, after I go into the lane, flail my arms out and yell at the refs after they refuse to bail me out for the 30th time this season, what should we say in the press conference? Do we go with ‘We’re still getting better’ or ‘Philly was the better team today’?”