The King’s Heat Recap

by Jeff Horowitz, NBA Wunderkind

As a HEAT fan, my favorite thing about the NBA Playoffs is that I no longer have to listen to our low-budget local broadcasters, Eric Reid and Tony Fiorentino.  Of course, the true “homer” still has the option during the 1st Round to tolerate Reid’s pukey, nasal voice as he recites meaningless stats throughout the game:

Reid: “That  was Mario Chalmers 20th charge taken this season. 1st charge for ‘Rio in these playoffs, and 5th charge taken in his 3 year playoff career. Looks like we found our new ‘Take-Charge Man’ – a position that back in the day belonged to a guy named Grant Long.”

Wow Eric! Thanks for that little tidbit of Heat nostalgia. Lebron just scored 4 buckets in a row, yet you ramble on about how many charges Mario Chalmers has on his resume. You can do what you want, but  I’m going to listen to Mike Breen and Mark Jackson, or Marv and Fratello.  Enjoy your summer, fellas – time to hear some real professionals.

The other great thing about this year’s playoffs so far: It feels like it’s 2005 again. The Heat are back as one of the NBA’s top-dogs, and it looks like we are going to simply roll our lower-seeded first round opponent. Game 1 opened scary, but then LeBron stopped Tweeting, D-Wade took some Excedrin, and Coach Spo told Bosh that gamblers kidnapped his brother and were going to kill him if the Heat didn’t cover. Game over.

"Hey Bron...When does this series start?"

Last night’s Game 2 wasn’t really a game at all. In front of a mostly non-Jew crowd, Miami climbed out to a big 1st quarter lead, and never looked back. D- Wade battling his “Percy Harvin out-of-nowhere Migraine”  issues, still managed to finish with 14 points and 6 rebounds.  Lebron picked up the slack – posting a solid 29, 7, and 6 assists.

He's only 26? He looks like Greg Oden's older brother

Chris Bosh followed his big Game 1 of 25 points and 12 rebounds in Saturday’s victory over the 76ers, and finished with an extremely efficient 21 and 11, shooting 69% from the field. That should silence the critics (and me). 23 points and 11 rebounds through 2 big playoff games reads like the stats of an All-Star power forward. ALSO – not only is Bosh leading the HEAT in rebounding through 2 playoff games, he also leads the entire league in Silly Dinosaur-like Faces after big plays!  I personally don’t know why he ever left the Raptors – he IS one!

Who gets more bush?

Seriously, you can even Reunite Chris Bosh with his brother, LittleFoot on Facebook.

The Warden, Joel Anthony came off the bench with 3 huge blocks in 26 minutes. In 3 short months, Jo-el has gone from stone-handed joke, to a confident, defensive-minded, shot blocking bad-ass in the middle. Just two weekends ago, after the Heat’s victory over Boston, Kevin Garnett let the press know that “Joel Anthony killed us today by himself,” Yea- that Kevin Garnett, one of the baddest men in basketball called Anthony an assassin on the hardwood.

One glaring hole in the Heat house is Mike Miller. Like Elijah, he was invited tonight, but didn’t show up. He played only 3 minutes today and contributed nothing but pained looks. Somebody get him a mug that reads “Worst Free Agent Signing of 2010”. 5 years, $37millon. HEAT’s 10TH Man. Ouch! He does have some really cool ink though. Actually – he doesn’t have that either. In my humble opinion, I find Mike Miller’s tattoos to be rather creepy, especially the ones on the back of his calves. It’s like he had some ‘LOST’ fan draw the logo of the Dharma Initiative onto his legs.

Miller's injured jerk-hand is affecting his game

In any case, the Miami Heat are doing whatever they want in this series. The 76ers don’t even look like they should be on the same court with Miami. Especially when you see the fits the 8th seeded Pacers are giving the 1st Seed Bulls. That said, Doug Collins and these young, scrappy 76ers try awfully hard. But maybe not quite as hard as D Wade and LeBron try in their post-game interviews by wearing $15,000 suits by Maison Martin Margiela, while the glare off their 3.5 carat canary-yellow diamond earrings blind nearby reporters.

"Did we leave Chris in FAO Schwarz?"

I truly think – win or lose, D Wade and LeBron are concerned with how “dope” they look on the media dais for their post-game interviews. After the game, while the rest of Miami’s players head home and pack for Philadelphia, LeBron and Wade can be seen hitting up Neiman Marcus at the Bal Harbour Shoppes for some new fedoras, and linen vests.  I wonder if occasionally Bosh asks to go shopping with them, and Wade and Bron make up excuses why they suddenly can’t hang.

Heat are up 2-0, with the series moving to Philadelphia for Game 3 on Thursday.

Heat fans excited that all the Jews stayed home for Seder


  1. Do you think Chris Bosh admits to himself that his fiancee is a gold digger or does he think it is true love? I know they say love is blind, but not that blind. After Stevie Wonder felt Bosh’s face, he let a piercing scream, crapped his pants and begged for Bosh not to eat him. Stevie survived the event knowing that Bosh’s counterparts would attack him from the sides.

    • I’ve seen his girl – she ain’t all that. They actually make a cute couple, for a 6’10 black dude and a 5’3″ latin babe.

  2. chris looks like a dino!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!