The King’s NBA Playoff Breakdown

by Jeff Horowitz, NBA Wunderkind

 

EAST

1 Chicago vs 8 Indiana

This series is boring – Indiana sucks. Danny Granger is solid, and I really like Darren Collison at point guard, but the Bulls should sweep the Pacers. The Pacers do not belong in the playoffs. They lost 45 games this year, EIGHT more than they won! A team that is 37-45 should NOT be in the NBA Playoffs… Houston finished 43-39 and did NOT make the playoffs in the West, yet 8 games below .500 got the Pacers in East. Pathetic. Derrick Rose should average something like 28 points and 10 assists in this series. Joakim Noah will be a double-double machine, and Boozer is much more aerodynamic now that he started waxing his chest.

Unfortunately, they aren't playing

Chicago sweeps the series : 4-0 . Bring on the Magic.

 

2 Miami vs 7 Philadelphia After enduring an 82 game marathon under scrutiny harsher than any we’ve ever seen, The  ‘Heatles’, finally get to play in some meaningful games. They finished the year with the 3rd best record in the league at 58-24, and grabbed the #2 seed in the East, so Miami figures to cruise past the Philadelphia 76ers in the first round. Lebron, D Wade and Bosh are averaging a combined 70 points per game, and late season acquisition, Mike Bibby seems to be the exactly what the Heat needed at point guard. Philadelphia is a deep team, some calling them the ‘Denver Nuggets of the East’. Doug Collins is an excellent head coach, and former has-been Elton Brand is playing his best basketball since 2007. Jrue Holiday (pronounced JUH-ROO) is  the TRUTH  at point guard, and the other A.I – Andre Iguodala is having his best pro season yet. Erik Spoelstra has never won a post-season series, with a 4-8 record in the Playoffs. That all changes this year. This will not be an easy series, but Miami will still dominate.

Its about time

HEAT in 5. Bring on Round 2, I need to sell some tickets.

 

3 Boston vs 6 New York – Boston cannot be happy about ending up with the 3 seed and matching up against the New York Knicks in the first round. The Celtics have lost their will after they traded their starting center, Kendrick Perkins – for their current 7th man: Jeff Green. This broken-down, ancient team also features the 2011 version of the ‘ O’Neal Brothers’ : Shaq and Jermaine O’Neal. Shaq weighs about 400lbs and is exactly as washed up as I envisioned he would be for 2011. The guy only played in 37 out of 82 games, and is averaging a career-low 9 ppg. Jermaine O’Neal , who Is softer than Charmin, is league’s newest “fake tough-guy”, and averaging a solid 5 points and 3 rebounds per game. The Knicks feature a “Big 3” of their own with Carmelo, Amare, and Chauncey – who have finished the season winning 7 out of their last 9 games. The Knicks ‘Big 3’ also sound a lot more like people that you’d find working at a beauty salon than NBA Players. “Umm hello, I have a 2:00pm cut with Chauncey, and Amare is gonna do my eyebrows.” Carmelo is going to need to average around 30 points per game for New York to win this series, and I think he’s up for the challenge. With Boston still shell-shocked after the Perkins trade, and Rajon Rondo’s recent play as ugly as he is, I have a hunch this will be the year the Celtics finally collapse and lose in the 1st round.

Not sure which team I dislike more

Knicks in 6.

 

4 Orlando vs 5 Atlanta

This series will definitely be the lowest rated in the 1st round. I don’t care who wins, just get it over with!  I cannot stand the Orlando Magic. I hate the Atlanta Hawks. Stan Van Gundy is played out, and looks like he should be a floor manager at an elite strip club. You know, the kind that you find in West Palm Beach that serves steak and lobster, while Van Gundy leads you to a dark champagne room with Mercedes… or Saphire, or Diamond. I keep hearing how Atlanta’s center Jason Collins gives Dwight Howard “fits”. “D-12” averaged 23 and 14 this year… he’s legit. The Magic will win this series, but it won’t be pretty. Let’s also see what Gilbert Arenas has left, in his new role as Orlando’s 6th man.

Howard pantomimes holding up Coach Gundy's Fat Pants

Magic in 5

 

WEST

1 San Antonio vs 8 Memphis

The Memphis Grizzlies actually tanked their last game of the season to ensure landing in the 8th seed to matchup against Tim Duncan, Tony Parker. and the # 1 seeded San Antonio Spurs. Smart move? Perhaps. The Grizzlies were one the of NBA’s hottest teams during the 2nd half of the season. Zach Randolph is playing out of his mind, and watching Randolph vs Duncan in the post will be extremely entertaining. O.J. Mayo has been a stud since moving to the bench as the Grizz’ 6th man. Just think, if the Heat picked O.J. Mayo instead of Michael Beasley in 2008, his nickname would 100% be  O.J. ‘Yeyo’! The Spurs are old, but they won 61 games, and Greg Popovich is the best coach in the league.

TBS and TNT fighting over who DOESN'T get to televise this series

Spurs in 6

 

2 Los Angeles vs 7 New Orleans

The Los Angeles Lakers won 17 out of 18 games after the all-star break (only losing to the Heatles), but have since fallen into a bizarre late-season slump. Kobe is still Kobe, which is incredible, considering this is his 16th NBA season. Lamar Odom is the best 6th man in the league, and also has the hottest wife in the league. Just kidding.  Pau Gasol is a stud, and if Andrew Bynum can ever stay healthy, the Lakers will be back in the Finals. LA has never cared much for the Hornets over the years. In 2007, after playing an entire season away from home due to Hurricane Katrina, the Lakers played in one of the Hornet’s first games back in New Orleans. Before that game, Lakers coach Phil Jackson quipped, “I hope they got all the termites out of this place.”  The Hornets have a very injury-riddled Chris Paul, who at the tender age of 25 is starting to look washed up due to his bad knee. I actually watched a game where he played 33 minutes and scored 0 points. That’s right – ZERO. He’s their whole team, and CP3 just doesn’t look right.

Yo bro, I effed up. You know where I can get a HUGE diamond ring around here?

Lakers sweep series: 4-0.

 

3 Dallas vs 6 Portland

Another intriguing 3 vs 6 match-up where I like the 6 seed, underdog Portland Trailblazers. First of all – over the past 5 years, the Dallas Mavericks, are regular season wonders and playoff choke artists. Ask Heat fans, who kindly remember Dallas and their ultimate CHOKE-JOB, losing 4 straight games to the Heat, blowing the NBA Championship after pulling out to a 2-0 series lead in the 2006 NBA Finals. Do you really want mentally soft, creepy Dirk Nowitzki as your franchise player?  Dirk disappears more in big playoff games than I disappear into champagne rooms! Moreover, do you even want him as a teammate? I heard he doesn’t even shower after games… just puts his suit right back on. That must smell nice on the team plane during a road trip. Mark Cuban is a D-bag – hope he loses. In all seriousness – Portland’s new face-of-the-franchise, LaMarcus Aldridge, sharp shooting Wesley Matthews, former stud Brandon Roy now settling into the 6th man role, and Marcus Camby with his shot-blocking skills in the middle make Portland a team that Dallas will not be happy to face in the first round of the playoffs.

"They USED to call me 'the Matrix'"

Portland in 7

 

4 Oklahoma City vs 5 Denver

How bad do Seattle Supersonics fans have to feel about the success of the Oklahoma City Thunder. Seattle drafted Kevin Durant in 2007, he played 1 season in Seattle for the Sonics, and then the team up and moved to Oklahoma City, leaving Seattle…. wait for it…… Sleepless. Lame I know, but Oklahoma City is one of the most talented teams in the league. Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook (another stud the Heat could have drafted instead of Michael Bust-ley) are all-stars, and will be tough for any opponent to guard in the post-season. The Denver Nuggests surprised everyone by actually getting BETTER after trading Carmelo Anthony to the Knicks. They are a complete team, made up with a bunch of jilted, hungry, former Knicks such as Danilo Gallinari, Ray Felton, and Wilson Chandler. This should be an extremely close series, and will probably even end up in a Game 7 in Oklahoma City.

"You smell" "Yeah, you smell worse"

I pick the Thunder – winning game 7 on their home court.