Snips & Smear

Wait, does the front row get Gallagher ponchos?

I went to a Bris today, or to the goyim, a Jew-fest circumcision. It’s a beautiful ceremony (up until the whole scissor thing) that ensures the Covenant with God. Basically, in exchange for our foreskin, we get favored status as the Chosen People.

We talked, noshed on bagels, and watched an 8 day old boy face genital mutilation while subconsciously grabbing our crotches in sympathy pain. In true A.D.D. fashion my mind wandered and I couldn’t help but think: Who the heck was the first sucker to agree and let some guy cut his shlong?

Don’t get me wrong, it’s the right decision aesthetically. Show of hands on how many of you click on different porn links when the protagonist is un-snipped. Enough said. Then there’s the health thing. Pop-tops might disagree, but it’s just cleaner when cut. Obviously my foreskin-fathers felt that Smegma was an epidemic run amok, and must be stopped at all costs. I’m sure that in ancient Canaan, much like everywhere except for Murray Hill and Hollywood, Jews were outnumbered. Jewish girls have always been the same, and I’m sure Abraham’s ladies were all “uch, there is no way I am touching that!”

 How else do you ensure procreation and the flourishing of a beautiful, complaining people?

Abraham and his New Jew Council took matters into their own hands. The conversation went something like this:

Ismael: You want me to do WHAT??!!?

Abraham: Listen Ismael. I did it to myself, turned out great. Right Hagar?

Ismael: Ewww.

Abraham: Look at your brother Isaac, he’s all puffy and infected. Do you want a puffy schmuck?

Ismael: But Abba, I’m not exactly, um…big to begin with.

Abraham: It’s just healthier, son. Dr. Bernstein says it’s just cleaner.

Hagar: It’s true. He’s a Good Jewish Doctor.

Abraham: It will be better for our growing community. We’ll all last longer as a people and be able to be fruitful and multiple.

Ismael: No chance old man!

Abraham: It’s God, ok Ismael. Hashem says you have to.

Ismael: Hashem? Arrgh! Just the tip, right?


Abraham: Maybe we shoulda done this when he was younger.

Isn’t this one of the most obvious examples of using God as the early form of governing? These were tribal people, and there surely wasn’t a unifying all encompassing governing body. Tribal leaders had to have some underlying reason to get the nomads to listen to them. The Torah is a book of laws. Even a simple read of the Old Testament shows it’s a Constitution, albeit one with a much cooler preamble. It’s packed with many complex questions on the proper way to live a good, civilized life in an uncivilized world. The hows? are answered in great detail, 5 books worth.

The why’s? always have the same answer: because God says so.

Eating healthy? Why can’t we mix milk and meat? God.

Keeping Civil Obedience? Why can’t we kill? God. Why can’t we steal? God. Why can’t I covet my neighbor’s wife, she’s hot!? God.

Do good deeds? 613 of them, At least. Why such an arbitrary number? God.

Cutting off the tip of your dong? Covenant with God, son!

Being the Chosen people, facing slaughter for the next 4000 years or so…Priceless.

Can I have another bagel?